i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no, he came in my armpit
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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