That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
