what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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