Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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