I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
