If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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