My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize