i just wanna soil my oats bro
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
