Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
