My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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