and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
