i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
