I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
