HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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