If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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