So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Randomize
