I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
