My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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