They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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