I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
