please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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