What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize