I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you made out with another girl for some wings
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
