everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
