What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
