i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
