i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
