If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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