That's when you crack a 10am beer
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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