I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
