some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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