White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
