First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
