Screwed.edu
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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