All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
