Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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