Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
