I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
