God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize