so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
