There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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