Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
