I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
