Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
