Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
