I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize