Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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