Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
