it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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