I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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