I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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