i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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