Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
