Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
