Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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